I’ve become so incredibly tired of life. I can’t see what’s to come except more of the same. I’m on a carousel and i desperately need to get off. Saw The Lady In The Van tonight. So many relate-able points. Whole family together out for the evening. since when did we become the Brady Bunch? I can’t slow my thoughts. It’s like a manic but with depressed feelings and thoughts. She’s right. The music is within my fingers, it’s in my bones. How can i escape it? Music? It’s in my head all the time. Never a thought without a lyric somewhere close behind. Do i live in an altered reality? Do i spend so much time in isolation that i’m losing touch with reality. I decided for this post to try and write every thought as soon as it comes into my head. It doesnt make any sense. Im all over the show. The Lady In The Van has a repeated piece of music which although played on pian was a solo that i fucked up and cracked all confidence i ever had to play my sax. My sax. Oh my god. Remembrance week. i last played my sax this time last year in a remembrance concert with Hythe Town Band in memory of John Watson. Here i am feeling like i can’t deal with life and this time last year i was playing a concert dedicated to someone so important in my life taking his own life. My godmother died a year ago this coming week too. That pain doesn’t go away. Will it ever? It’s like death is surrounding me this week. And oh my god the pain. He told me that i let my Evil fade for too long so he threatened me. Another person to die unless i hurt myself so once again i have evil scored onto my arm. Im never going to be allowed to forget am i? Livemai. Im thinking of changing my name to that instead. Maybe that name means he’ll stop reminding me and rebranding myself every other month. So what time is it now? This is only 5 minutes worth of thoughts. i could keep going and going but i have to stop. i need sleep. or maybe i dont. all i see around me and having my sister home are all reminders that ill never amount to anything. maybe if i dont sleep i can catch up on things. make up for the missed milestones of my life when i see what where my sister is at. i cant stand facebook. everyone rubbing my face in the fact that im behind and worthless. theyre married, have children, £50,000 a year job, their own homes, etc blah blah blah. its too much. im crazy. or at least im going crazy. mum came to town with me yesterday. i always go to see irene in debenhams to get my estee lauder beauty products. mum told me on the way home that Irene lives for her daughter and grandson. that she has no choice but to step in as her daughter is a problem. i asked what she meant. mum said that her daughter cuts herself and attempts suicide so is a problem for Irene. i tried to challenge this but i realised that if thats what mum says of someone else is that what i am to her? a problem? not that i have problems but i am the problem? this is never going to change is it? i can’t stand this. i feel tortured right now as i cant switch my head off. its now 10 mins into writing all this. Just so youj have some idea. This is just 10 minutes of my life. think about what an hour or a day or a week is like in my head? now understand what i need this carousel to stop? why i need to get off this world?